i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
