I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
