Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
