Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
