Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
