Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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