I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
if only i could text you this smell
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
