i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
