You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have post one night stand depression
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize