T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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