Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
