Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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