No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
