The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
