you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
