You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize