If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
