in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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