Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
