Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Shame is for Republicans.
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