My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
