And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
