I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
