I think my vagina is haunted
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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