life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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