I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You are a genius and a whore.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
