That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize