I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
