i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
