I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
