Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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