we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
