He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize