Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
