Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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