'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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