so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
