yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
