theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
