I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize