also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize