college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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