took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
