she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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