i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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