I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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