Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Two words: nipple clamps
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