I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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