why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think your dad took our porno
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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