Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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