Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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