I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
