i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
