Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
