He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
