party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
