I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
