I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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