I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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