ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
