i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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