why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
