Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
