talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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