I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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