Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have tasted many bathrooms
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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