I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
