I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
