everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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