I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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