I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
