hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Randomize
